Monday, May 30, 2005

Mommy Guilt.

Please someone weigh in on this for me.
Does anyone else feel totally selfish for craving all alone time?
This weekend my son and husband went to the bay area so he could visit some of his friends. I have no real desire to go with them, and I work on the weekends so, naturally I don't attend. That, and the fact that all of these guys speak Arabic, so it would totally bore the pants off of me to go. Anyhoo, they were supposed to leave on Friday, but the baby had strep throat. They couldn't go. We waited to see how he was the next day. He was better by Saturday morning so Amr said they would go. But not until 6 pm. Okay, I was totally offended that he was going to wait that long to go. I wanted the Mommy time to start right away, as I would be working that night, and still had to take a nap before work. I kind of got ugly about it. For that, I am not proud. I was fighting for my time. DH (darling husband) gets time like that,(when I stay over at my moms, or go away for a trip, as I have done in the past.) but as he says, he doesn't do anything with it because he has no friends here and he works during the week. Am I wrong to want that kind of alone time? Time where I can scratch my butt, lay on the couch in the same clothes I wore to work, eat a hostess cupcake and goggle in front of the TV? Or prepare a snack without being as stealthy as a cat burglar, looking at the clock to see how much longer the baby will be asleep? I just want to chill. Quietly. Read a book, or take a leisurely shower. I can do all those things when he visits the Bay Area, and I love it. It is a vacation.
Well, today the mommy time ends and it was a nice mental health break.
I must add that my husband is extremely competent around the house and with the baby. He helps and does a lot. For that, I am grateful. He takes care of the baby on the weekends when I work, and that is awesome. I know, I know, I sound ungrateful and terrible. I know this. But sometimes I yearn for that completely alone time.
I would never change anything though. When I was single, I partied a lot, as some of you out there know, but I was lonely. It wasn't a bed of roses. What is? (besides a bed of roses, I mean?) I would never change a thing about anything in my life now. I love my husband and son very much. I hate that when I stand up for this time, that I feel awful, terrible, neglectful, selfish (insert more adjectives here folks....) about doing it. My husband says I make him feel like he doesn't do anything to help. Nothing could be further from the truth on that, sincerely. I don't mean to make him feel badly. I guess I just don't know how to request time off with out it seeming like I am the only one doing anything around here. I need to find a better approach, I guess. That one doesn't seem to be working.
This is hard. I don't know what to do. There really isn't anything to do. One thing I do know. I appreciate being a mom 100% more when they come back. I miss seeing their faces and the noise of having them home, when they aren't here. Kind of ironic, I guess.
Ok, that was a total vent and if you are still reading this post, and it was killing you to hear me complain, congrats, it is over now.

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